This is an appreciation post to my younger self, the part of me that existed on this earth before I was ten. The part of me was truly free because I hadn’t yet encountered the re-programming. I was genuinely adventurous before the weight of the world became too much for me, and I began feeling sad all the time. I don’t remember the memories from that era, but I do remember the feelings I experienced. It was the point in my life where I was safe with my thoughts, and it was accepted to have a soaring imagination.
I loved the brave nature of my pre-teen life. I did whatever came to mind, bringing me down a rabbit hole of self-discovery. When people tried to push their thoughts my way, I had a response to all of the nay-sayers. Of course, they thought my candid response and bravery cute. But little did I know I was trying to protect myself from the world’s sadness by just being me. The minute I allowed their opinions to start shaping my mind was when I felt my existence slipping away. I often wonder what would have happened if I stuck to this path, blocked out the negativity and focused on blossoming the freedom within me. So here goes the start of a beautiful story known as “bigging up my WHOLE self.”
My eight-year-old mind was so precious. I had so many different thoughts and not many people to hear them. I grew up on the beach and always outdoors. On a given day, I would be a teacher, a scientist, a doctor and a chef. There were so many things outside to be part of my creative world, and I loved it. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any friends from my village because my mom was a bit strict, and I was a bit sheltered. As a result, I played for myself. It forced me to be creative, so in hindsight, I guess it wasn’t a bad thing. However, my eight-year-old self longed to have at least one friend from my village because it always made me sad when I saw others children playing together.
As I played outdoors so much, I hardly watched television. When I did, it was a couple of cartoons per week on Cartoon Network. Nothing particularly memorable. I never watched well-known animated movies, and I don’t think I missed anything. I never spoke about the latest TV shows at school, so I never felt pressured to watch anything. I saw the original version of “The Lion King” at 30, and I only watched it because I was pressured into doing it. It was a good movie, and I got the appeal, but it wasn’t for me.
Aside from playing outdoors, I loved reading. It was my top interest as a child and still is today. I obtained my library card at seven and thought it was the most precious thing. Every day, after school, I would go to the library, more like run to the library. When I got there, I would read a couple of books; it would be a simple 30-page book or anything that caught my eye. After about an hour, I would borrow books to read on my bus journey to and from school. This was my routine for a few years until the library ran out of interesting books to read, and I pushed myself to do more.
As I got older, I moved on to more complicated books. I would read textbooks above my grade level, including encyclopedias. I remember pushing myself to read “To Kill A Mockingbird” at 13 when I was home for an extended period as Grenada experienced Hurricane Ivan. I read the book within two weeks, which was challenging as there were so many themes to grasp. For example, I wasn’t aware of the level of racism in the world. I wasn’t fully aware of any societal ills because that’s what I thought your environment was supposed to be.
I felt discomfort when I saw the n-word, and I remembered feeling saddened by the themes represented in the book. I didn’t fully grasp everything, but you never fully get anything when you encounter it for the first time. But it did open my eyes a bit more, and I’m glad I pushed myself to do it. The fact that I was so adventurous as a child is why I am so adventurous as an adult. I always want to experience something new because I know that is how I learn. I firmly believe that theory and practical aspects should be taught hand in hand. As for my passion for science, it is in my DNA, and the world is one big science project. As for my love for writing, seeing so many of my family suffer in silence or fear, I feel I should honour them by sharing my stories based on my encounters with them.
Self-awareness is needed because it always allows me to explore different aspects of my life and push the current boundaries to obtain the necessary growth. Just as how I kept to myself when I was younger to avoid encounters with nay-sayers, I see the importance of doing that now. Some journeys are sacred and should be experienced with a high level of privacy. I will forever love the imagination of my pre-teen self and the willingness to explore even amidst discomfort. I will continue to honour these parts of myself and reconnect to propel me into the next phase of my life.
Nomadic Contents 